Last month, I guest posted at Fringes blog about the ant that was living in my shower. Everyone knows that ants have a sophisticated communication system and are avid bloggers. Almost immediately, the ant in my shower, was joined by his friends.
I decided to give that whole "Do No Harm" policy up.
I stood on the edge of my tub and attempted to smash the ant and his buddies. Of course, I slipped and was nearly knocked out. As huge fans of slapstick, the ants rejoiced. I reconsidered the "Do No Harm" policy.
I shower on an as-needed basis (perhaps that should read a$$-needed basis). I broadened the definition of as-needed to avoid any more unpleasant experiences with ants and my slippery tub. In the time between showers, I created an elaborate plan to rid my shower of ants. I ruled out Raid as I also have a "No Inhalants" policy (do you know how hard it is to get a gold spray paint ring off delicate facial skin?). I needed professional help with the ant invasion. I enlisted the services of a spider. We negotiated a fee and contracts were signed.
He came silently in the night and built a web in the corner of my shower. Within 24 hours, ant carcasses littered the floor of the tub.
Ants are not that bright. When they see ant carcasses, they move in to investigate. This is why I am higher on the food chain. When I see a street littered with human bodies, I run the other way. Then I call my ex-boyfriend's Parole Officer to see if he's been making his appointments.
The spider worked quickly. He was a cruel, yet efficient killer. After slaughtering much of the colony, he captured a final ant. He wrapped it in silk and whispered something in it's ear-like orifice. I don't know what he said to it; it was between The Cleaner and the ant. He set the ant free. It disappeared through a tiny crack.
The spider took down his web. "Incinerate this," he directed me. "You won't be having ant problems anymore." And then he was gone.
I have showered three times since he left. Once, I even used soap.
--
Mist 1
PS: Thanks for letting me be here today, Michael. I promised that I would keep it clean.
18 comments:
While the blog may change, the great posts stay the same! Nice job as usual Mist1 thanks for filling in.
btw, re: the guest blogger thang. Count me in, though following the likes of Fringes and Mist sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just let me know the ground rules if there are any. My only caveat is gimme a week's notice from when you may want it. I am not saying it will take that long but I would rather have it and not need it than feel guilty for taking too long.
BD
donk,
Thanks. I wanted to follow up on this one. Happy to have had the chance.
Ants in a colony are like one big super-organism that figures it might waste a few more "troops" before giving up completely on a mission....
I like how my cockroaches are bit more independent. They're like the Fonz of the insect world.
Unbelievable, Michael, that you would ask me to follow Mist. My contract clearly stated that I work alone or at least a week apart from any other guest blogger. Start separating the M&M's or I'm outta here.
Mist, another funny one. Good luck with Bloglaughs.
matt,
Your roaches have greasy hair?
fringes,
Surely, you've got something better than what's living in your shower to guest post about.
Can't keep it much cleaner than a shower now, can you.
"When I see a street littered with human bodies, I run the other way." Seriously - you can run in heels? You DO rock.
That was truly classic. I need to hire this cleaner to work near one of my windows. Ants mysteriously show up there often. It's troubling. They just..appear.
tug,
I can do anything in heels. I'm like a really well dressed superhero.
susan,
The Cleaner has very reasonable rates. I suggest that you pay him upfront. He was referred to me by a woman missing her pinkie finger.
Oh thats freaking awesome.
I'd hire him on to take on the ants in my truck, but I tend to freak out around spider. Too many legs for my comfort.
don't you jusy LOVE Mist? *sigh* I do
Do you think the Cleaner would do a drive way in Hell?
Fireants.
Big ones.
I'd pay extra.
1
You are my Continuing Education. I could NOT make it without you. Forget the Blogroll, I am claiming you as a dependent for 2006. You are my hero. And in my spare time, you are a future draft choice.
kb,
Spiders have a lot of eyes too.
nattie,
That's me. Loved online. Hated in person. Sigh.
pissy,
Fire ants are going to cost you.
0,
I don't support a draft. Unless you're talking about beer. In that case, I think it's draught.
Pissy lives in Hell, too? HEY NEIGHBOR!!
tug,
You all really need to organize your neighborhood association.
Yup, it is you!
Just checking.
Remember the Maidenform woman? (You never know where she's going to show up.)
hearts,
The Maidenform woman? I'm still hoping for my boobs to show up.
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