17 September 2007

Dial Tone

How on Earth did we ever reach this point in life? People deserve better than me, and I need something else in my life. I'm incredibly empty right now. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

There was a life somewhere back there, that I somehow missed the turn for. I look back along the road and I can't figure out where I missed the fork and ended up here. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

I was almost happy once. And then out of the blue, for whatever reason, things changed. I missed the shortcut to the relatively happy door, and ended up outside in the cold, looking in, wondering where I'd wandered off of the path. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

"Whatever you do, don't let them get this letter when they come. Make sure it gets mailed before they find it." The desert, the dust, the heat. Silver flashing, pain slamming deep into my arm, then numb. Looking down, tendons open to the dry night air. Moving. Terminaor flash back. Fuck this. Find a towel. Driving through the desert, blood loss taking its toll, the car sliding sideways, almost rolling. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

Faced death. Been there, done that. Father died a week after moving to Houston. Middle of Lowes. Phone call. Shock hitting. sitting down in the middle of the aisle. No tears. Nothing. Just a picture of my dad, unable to get one more breath. Falling over. The doorbell ringing. Too Late, Too late. He was fucking dying awhile someone came to visit him, only he didn't answer the door. He couldn't, because he was dying. My mom wasnt' there. My Mom and first son enroute to Houston from Albuquerque. They were on the way to see me when he died, alone. I gave the eulogy. No Tears. He fucking died. What is left to say? Is there anything I can say to bring him back? No - just to ease the pain of these simpering idiots that put in an appearance at the funeral. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

In one two minute explosion of emotion, I finally loosed the grief in a storm of agony, six months after he died. That was it. Nothing else. One little explosion of anguish, and then silence. Nothing to say. DIAL TONE,. DISCONNECT.

I hate where I am, who I am, my life. And no one is close enough to me to even begin throwing a lifeline, much less saving me. I built the fucking walls too high, too deep, too strong. I did that after someone got in. Got in and never appreciated what she'd accomplished. Burned me. Left me for dead. So I rebuilt the walls. No one gets in now. NO ONE. But then, there's no one strong enough to find the door to get in and save me. So it goes. It's what I do. Survive. No happiness, no love, just alive. Life support. Not brain dead, emotionally dead. No one left to break down the walls and free me. No one left even to show mercy and pull the fucking plug. This is me. Its what I am.


14 September 2007

A Cry in the Night

I'm rapidly approaching that time of year. On the good side - its Renaissance. My eight weekends to escape from the doldrums of my every day life. On the bad side - October. Anniversary of my death in the desert. The one that should have been. I'm totally without connection to any of my friends here in Otherland. This summer has been oh so busy, and bizarre, that I have basically lost touch with anyone who meant anything to me in this Fantasy other place here online.
As for IRL - no friends there to lose. LOL. Try that little dichotomy on for size. I know there's a few readers still checking in. Most of those from the Barmaid Blog - for some odd reason, as she's grown more popular, and updated her links, she's never dropped me, and to this day I still get a lot of new traffic from there. Go figure. Mebbe she's just one of the loyal ones. Of course, she's 3/4 of a country away. heh heh.

Yeah, yeah. Just another could have been a nice time blown by Michael's mouth. No issue there. It will never happen any other way.

So here's to you all, and here's to hoping your October turns out better than mine - just another anniversary of a failed suicide attempt in the dark of night in the middle of the desert.

Dream Well