Last month, I guest posted at Fringes blog about the ant that was living in my shower. Everyone knows that ants have a sophisticated communication system and are avid bloggers. Almost immediately, the ant in my shower, was joined by his friends.
I decided to give that whole "Do No Harm" policy up.
I stood on the edge of my tub and attempted to smash the ant and his buddies. Of course, I slipped and was nearly knocked out. As huge fans of slapstick, the ants rejoiced. I reconsidered the "Do No Harm" policy.
I shower on an as-needed basis (perhaps that should read a$$-needed basis). I broadened the definition of as-needed to avoid any more unpleasant experiences with ants and my slippery tub. In the time between showers, I created an elaborate plan to rid my shower of ants. I ruled out Raid as I also have a "No Inhalants" policy (do you know how hard it is to get a gold spray paint ring off delicate facial skin?). I needed professional help with the ant invasion. I enlisted the services of a spider. We negotiated a fee and contracts were signed.
He came silently in the night and built a web in the corner of my shower. Within 24 hours, ant carcasses littered the floor of the tub.
Ants are not that bright. When they see ant carcasses, they move in to investigate. This is why I am higher on the food chain. When I see a street littered with human bodies, I run the other way. Then I call my ex-boyfriend's Parole Officer to see if he's been making his appointments.
The spider worked quickly. He was a cruel, yet efficient killer. After slaughtering much of the colony, he captured a final ant. He wrapped it in silk and whispered something in it's ear-like orifice. I don't know what he said to it; it was between The Cleaner and the ant. He set the ant free. It disappeared through a tiny crack.
The spider took down his web. "Incinerate this," he directed me. "You won't be having ant problems anymore." And then he was gone.
I have showered three times since he left. Once, I even used soap.
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Mist 1
PS: Thanks for letting me be here today, Michael. I promised that I would keep it clean.
