Theories of Relativity

I have a confession to make. I am not really sure why I am here. AM I here? Yes, this much I know for sure. Well okay, I am relatively sure at least. Am I glad to be here? Yes, to be asked to be a guest blogger is a bit of an honor. Not exactly, an oscar, an emmy, or a Pulitzer, but it is a start. Why am I here though? Why me? That one is a toughie for which I do have a few potential possibilities to ponder.

Theory A: Michael Has a thing for big bird and Oscar.

You ever watch that show Sesame street when you were growing up? Come on admit it you did….Maybe you are like me errrrrrrrr I mean a friend of mine and still watch it now……Anywhooo,,,,,,,remember that game that had the song playing in it that went "one of these things is not like the others,,,,,can you tell which one it is?"

In that game there would be several objects. For instance, there may be 4 different flower pots filled with tulips, roses, gardenias and the like. Mixed in for good measure you would see one Charlie Brown Christmas tree-esque like stick standing up out of a pot. Children across the nation watching the show could be heard pointing at the screen and screaming in unison, THERE it is! THAT is the thing that is not like the others!

In another version of the game perhaps there would be several shiny new sports cars. Their Engines would be revving, the paint would be gleaming. The chrome would be casting off a sparkly shine as the sunlight bounced off of it. Some where in the middle of all these sports cars would sit a jalopy. An old pickup truck with bald tires, the bumper hanging off, and the words "wash me" carved out of the layers of dirt by some witty young teen. Once again, children across the nation would point and scream 'there it is!' the jalopy doesn't belong!

Hello, I am brilliant donkey. I have followed along in this week of guest blogging just like you have. While doing so I have been trying to figure out what exactly Michael has been up to. So, what am I doing here?

And then it hit me,

Brain: "oh shit!"

Me: "what? You think you got it figured out?"

Brain: "One of these things is not like the others!"

Me: "No we are NOT watching sesame street again, Focus damn you!"

Brain: "Maybe Michael is a fan of the show too!

Me: "What? So what if he is? What the HELL does that have to do with anything?

Brain: "Think about it,,,,,4 guest bloggers, all female. You? You stand up to pee."

4 guest bloggers, all hotties. Then there is you…..in the words of Paul Riser …. "not so much."

4 guest bloggers, all submit great writing. You? Ha! Are you starting to get the picture?"

Me: "ummmm no not really."

Brain: "Okay Forrest, try to follow me here,,,,So he has had a week of fabulous guest bloggers. You have been able to enjoy posts from the likes of Mist, Fringes, Roadchick and KB. What might they all have in common?

Female,,,,,,,check

Hotties,,,,,,check

Great writing…..check….

Me: "okayyyyy, and your point is?"

Brain: "I hate to break it to you but ummmm THAT is why you are here,,,,YOU are the jalopy, YOU are the Charlie brown Christmas tree!"

I was just about to argue with myself on the point when I saw the neighbor kid 3 doors down point and scream "Briliant donkey!, BD doesn't belong!"

Theory #2

Michael is way overworked.

Maybe Michael needs a break,,,,,a vacation,,,,,, he must be tired from the sudden increase in work. Last week from what I can tell he came up with an idea. Sure he wasn't the first to come up with the idea of guest bloggers but to string together a full week of them is best I can tell, a bit unusual. Like I said, it was a good idea in principle. Hell it even got off to a good start.

But any good idea has its road bumps along the way.

Its glitches….

Its flaws……

No matter how much time you spend planning something out whether it be a vacation, your stock portfolio, how to invade another country, eventually something tends to come up that you hadn't considered before. I suspect perhaps this is what happened with Michael. Let us replay shall we?

To start things off He brought in Mist1 who got the ball rolling with a great post. She was like the first guest on Letterman or Leno. Michael's version of Jerry Seinfeld, Larry the cable guy or some other top name comedian. Safe to say she did not disappoint. Follow that up with the likes of Fringes, and Roadchick and KB and….

Site hits take a monstrous leap…..

Comments go wayyyyyy up…..

While all this seemed like a good thing ahead of time, he failed to consider the down side of it. It was a clear cut case of 'the best laid plans of mice and men' if you will.

Clicking 'publish comment" 400 times a day is hard work! He must have looked up carpel tunnel syndrome on web md and read that in some cases it CAN be fatal. With that he asked himself what he needed to do to slow things back down a bit. Rereading Mist's post he saw the answer staring him in the face. A cooler! That is where I come in. Cut to my upcoming commercial:

"Hello, I am Briliant donkey. Having problems with too many people visiting your site, leaving pesky comments that require publishing, and god forbid answering?"

"I can help, using my patented system of jokes no one other than me gets, boring topics, and loads of useless information I can drive your traffic back down to much more manageable numbers. But don't take MY word for it. Consider this testimony from none other than my mother. She writes,

"my son likes to tell people that he only has 3 readers and one of them is me. Truth be told he has 1 reader, I just use an alias from my work computer and the one in the bedroom as well. Give his system a try, let him guest blog on your site and all your troubles with comments, will disappear before you know it."

Theory #3

Perhaps I am here to save the day? To be the hero. To follow the clues that noone else can see. I welcome you to CSI brilliant Donkey!

I suspect that something is amiss in the world of blogland. If you have followed along in this week of guest blogging maybe you caught it too. I strongly suspect that Mist, Road chick, Michael, and even Fringes or KB have been……gulp …..kidnapped and are perhaps being held against their will. Maybe they have even been replaced by imposters or alien life forms! I am not sure what is going on but I know something is.

The first clue, well the first TWO in fact were cleverly disguised in mist's post. Do you see it? In her post she closed by saying:

"Ps: thanks for letting me be here today Michael. I promised that I would keep it clean."

First of all, the real Michael would never ask someone to 'keep it clean.' Second, and perhaps more convincing is that even if he DID, the real Mist would never EVER comply. This to me was a clear, though cleverly disguised message saying 'the real mist and Michael are not responsible for this post.

The next clue can(or could have) been found in the comments made by fringes and Road chick. Some where in there fringes yelled at Roadchick for leaving the liquor cabinet almost empty. Keyword=almost……

No self respecting, self proclaimed, redneck chick EYE know would have left a single DROP of liquor or beer in the cabinet unless they were forced to leave quickly…….and at gunpoint.

Finally, Fringes talks of pretty much 'the ultimate woman' one who doesn't nag about silly things like socks left on the floor. One that doesn't get upset when you come home late from 'work' with the smell of liquor on your breath. KB, finished things up by talking of a place that doesn't really exist. A gap……..or a void of some kind. Aha! "avoid"! Now I ask you….How much more clearly could they have said

"this is a dream"

"this is NOT reality, stay away,,,,,,send help

Something is awry in blogland. Hang in there You all(that's 'yall' to you Chick) . I have called 911 and as soon as they quit hanging up on me help will be on the way!

Thanks for the invite, Michael and the killer marquee as well. It was fun, and an honor all at the same time. I would apologize for the length of the post but A) you know I am ALWAYS wordy B)remember I get paid by the word and C)The only way I am capable of NOT posting wordy posts on MY site is to do them on someone else's.

BD

Have a great Xmas dude and thanks again for the invite.

BD