Please note that the late publishing hour is the fault of the management (and the overlong bowling party), not the Guest Host - - -
Hee.The 'chick, as a guest blogger. It's kind of like house-sitting, y'all. You get to poke around, open closets, see what's hidden under the mattress, watch cable, reprogram the Tivo, AND eat all the cookies. And the owner? Can't say a damn word about it. Not one word - after all, YOU were Left In Charge.
Gypsies in the Palace, y'all.
Anyway, that is not what the 'chick came here to tell you. What the 'chick came here to tell you is this:
SHE HAS BEEN DIVORCED FROM THE NOW-FORMER-MR.-ROADCHICK FOR EXACTLY SIX YEARS - TODAY. (And it's his birthday - how's that for a great big karmic kick in the ass???)
This is the story of going to court.
It took about six months to get to court because the ex had left the state and had to be contacted by mail and be given time to respond by using smoke signals that had to be relayed down the mountain by friendly Indians.
Anyway court day finally came and the 'chick went to court wearing her about-to-be-a-free-woman best although she did make a concession to the Seriousness of the occasion and wear panties. Friendage went with the 'chick and the two huddled toward the back of the courtroom and waited for the 'chick's name to be called.
After about 36 hours, it was the 'chick's turn and she went up to the witness stand, was sworn in, and took a seat. (As it turns out, the front of the witness stand was solid wood so the panties really weren't necessary.)
Her lawyer instructed her to tell the judge (HizzHonor) why she wished to be divorced.
And so, she did, and this is what she said:
YourHonor, about six months ago, the soon-to-be-former-Mr.-Roadchic
YourHonor, the 'chick was somewhat stunned by this news, but not really. And she was not heartbroken by this news because, really, there is a limit to what one 'chick should have to put up with during the course of a 12 year marriage.
HizzHonor broke in here to ask some questions - where was he now, had he been back, what about Rockboy?
The 'chick answered all of his questions and then - THEN - the meaning of living in a small town was driven home forever.
A lawyer, sitting off to the side, who had nothing to do with the case at all, said:
GAL! I know you! Your ol' man used to work up at the city, didn't he? Lawd, chile, that story went round like a fire in a hay barn. It was all we tawked about for weeks!
The 'chick was shocked.
The 'chick's lawyer was shocked.
HizzHonor was most definitely shocked and instructed to lawyer to hush up his mouth right now since it wadn't none of his bidness, now was it.
But, there were giggles in the courtroom that day. Giggles from all the other soon-to-be-divorced, thankful that there was a story, worse than theirs, with comedic three-part harmony that could be related to friends and relatives that were unable to attend, due to their own bond hearings.
HizzHonor, perhaps in sympathy, perhaps because the ex didn't bother to make the trip in for court, awarded in the 'chick's favor.
The divorce was granted.
It was the best gift she had ever given herself on his birthday.
Now, Patient Reader, some of you may be wondering if the now-former-Mr.-Roadchick is still with his Innernets lover. The answer is NO. They broke up around Halloween (weeks before the court date) and the 'chick received an email telling her that he was sorry, he made a mistake, ready to come home now, etc.
The 'chick, with the milk of human kindness flowing freely through her veins replied:
So sorry that it didn't work out for you. Just remember, your parents are always there for you.
And that concludes the 'chick's guest entry. Michael, thanks for the chance to snoop through your drawers and use up all your Sharpie markers for this post. And next time? Leave the key to the liquor cabinet and the 'chick won't have to break the lock.
9 comments:
Great post chick and great story as well. I am sure it wasn't to you at the time and sorry you had to go through all that shite. That today happens to be his birthday, and the splitaversary, AND your guest blogging date is quite ironic.
memo to former Mr Roadchick
1)you dumb sumbidch!
2)Long as you figgered out how to use da innernet click away from the persnal ads for a sec and go look up 'ironic' to see what it means.
3)since yer knew to da web world Lemme just splain a lil sumphin to ya. That is Not a persnal ad site that you found your new luv on, its a porn site.
4)sorry dat didnt work out for ya, but please forward your payment of 3.99 per minute for use of said site to the address included in this memo.
Take care,
BD
Chick,
Are you sure you liven Tennesee and not in biffy?
Word verification: wapbem
Even that is a bit ironic,
Chick, if he happens to show up at your door one day, "WaPBEM" with a big stick and send em on his way.
Great post,
BD
Donkey, dahlin'
The 'chick is not bitter and it makes for a GREAT story. It made for a great story then, even though it meant shopping in another town for awhile.
His current live in is bi-polar. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
And the 'chick doesn't need to WaPBEM - he does it to himself, on a regular basis. But the temptation is there, most definitely.
Thanks for visiting & don't forget to take a souvenir when you leave!
ps~ The 'chick's word verification is: twolsxr...which translates to:
Two Loser! Hee!
That was beautiful. Happy anniversary.
I would have let him come home. I would have told him that I moved and given him the address to the local crack house. Then I would have given the cops an anonymous tip.
But, I'm ugly like that.
Mist~
Thanks for the anti-versary wishes. They're much appreciated.
Problem is - he already knew where the crack house was. . .otherwise that would've been an option.
Thats awesome! I only wish I could do something like that to my ex. Freaking dirtbag bastard. But I digress, I'm glad to see you got yours in this case. Hail the southern chicks! We'll get you eventually!
Micheal: I love the sign, although that may be my narcissim showing.
You are much better than I. I definately would have went commando. Congrats on the anniversary!
'chick,
I think I would have preferred to see you unleash on him. Now THAT would be a scene for popcorn and licorice whips.
KB,
Glad you like it. Wasn't sure you'd care for the color in the name.
I prefer to think of it as magenta, rather than pink. So no, I don't mind. Its all in the perception!
See, the cool thing is - the 'chick does not have to unleash on him - all she has to do is sit back and watch him to it to himself. That's even funnier.
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