Messages From Mars

As of Post Time, we’re missing a panelist. So we’re going to run with it. I was conflicted as to how to put everything together. One post per question, one post per panelist, but I finally decided on One Question with Everyone’s answers. To make this easier on the reader, I’ve color coded the answers as follows:

Michael

Q

Bice

Briliant Donkey

That way, if you have a favorite, you can skim their answers first. This will also help if you want to print it out for posterity, toilet paper, etc. So, without further adieu, and for your reading pleasure, I bring you the 8 Commandments from Mars:

Q - *Special Thanks to Dagromm, he and I conferred on several of these questions to come up with answers.

BD - About a week ago I was recruited to the male panel to answer women's questions that they wanted to pose to us guys and get real answers to. I don't know how much 'help' my answers will provide since I don't tend to think like a 'typical guy' but for what it is worth here is my opinion on them. Feel free to agree. Feel free to whole heartedly DISagree. I just hope if worse comes to worse you(like me) are willing agree to disagree.

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1) Why do men say they want a confident, assertive, independent woman, then tuck tail and run when they discover I AM a confident, assertive, and independent woman?

Sorry, but I'll have to just say that that is just your impressions of what we want. To actually say that would be saying we want an in house Dominatrix. Guys want a Dom; a Sex Slave that cooks, cleans, and fulfills all of their fantasies; or a woman that isn't an airhead, that can stand up for herself, and that isn't completely high maintenance. No guy wants someone too assertive – it challenges our ego, authority, and sense of superiority.

We want one that is confident and independent but not one that is assertive unless we are in the bedroom, and trying to get kinky. Plus there is such a thing as overly confident, assertive and independent and that is not what we are looking for when we say that.

I would say this is a simple case of 'grass is always greener' type of thing. I don't think it is all that different(if at all) from women saying they want a 'sensitive,caring, loving man with a sense of humor' only to find one and dump him for the first 'bad boy' that comes around the corner because he is 'just a bit tooooo wimpy or clingy' or the other miriad of excuses. Why do we all do that? If it isn't 'the grass is always greener' thing I can only guess it is because God has a sense of humor, we are his personal sitcom and he made us all this way.

Because men will say anything hoping to get laid. Some times it works. Some times it doesn't.

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2) What's the deal with guys saying they want a relationship when what they're actually looking for is only a steady, no-strings-attached lay?

I'll step out on a limb and say that the majority of men aren't good at what you view as a relationship. Guys interact on a whole different level. So we'd rather you be one of the guys, with fringe benefits. (We'll accept Fringes Benefits) We'd much rather you come down off that high intimate relationship level and interact on our guy-guy simple level. We like it because it's simple. To us, you make coexistence far too complicated. And a no-strings-attached lay is our fantasy girlfriend. It isn't your fantasy boyfriend because only a very small percentage of you are capable of having friendly sex without attaching emotional attachments, stigma, and other complicated strings. Fems have way too much automatic baggage attached to sex. We prefer ours baggage free, and don't enjoy overthinking it so much.

Guys do want a relationship. It's just not the relationship that women want. Guys want the relationship where you take care of all the menial chores and give us sex on demand. On top of that if you could not interrupt the ball game and like action movies and video games then you're a great find.

I am personally of the opinion, that women are just as bad(if not worse) about this than men are. I am not sure if this has always been the case or if it is something recent that I am noticing more the older I get. Perhaps it is only noticable to me because I am a 'nice guy' and wind up with the short end of the stick too often I do not know. Maybe women are finally giving in to the 'if you can't beat em join em' mentality and giving guys back thier own medicine. Again I don't know for sure. I DO know that in my field, I work with 90% women and a bigger group of 'players' I have never met. The only difference is when a man does it women consider him a 'player' which is said with the same disdain as 'slut' would be for women . When THEY do it it is called 'keeping my options open.' Conversely from a typical male point of view when a man does it he is considered a stud for some reason while women are considered sluts. I suppose it all comes down to your own personal point of view.

Because 'relationship' is male code for 'sex'

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3) Why is there ~still~ a double standard regarding past sexual partners. If guys sleep with 6 girls a year they are considered studs. If a girl sleeps with 6 guys a year, they are considered sluts.

I read Q's answer first. It has to be the most fascinating and accurate analogy ever. If you had a choice, would you be France or the US? But still, you all are just as responsible for creating and maintaining the double standard as we are. Here's another analogy. A hunter gets credit every time he bags a deer. He bags 6 deer a year, he's an f-ing stud hunter. None of those deer get credit for taking a bullet, rolling over, and dying. And no one considers it a good hunt if the deer walks up to the truck, hauls itself up the tree with a rope, and drops dead. You want to break the double standard, BECOME THE HUNTERS instead of the hunted. No one will EVER get respect for being easy game.

Because women have standards, or should. I don't think it should be very challenging for any half decent looking woman to get laid six times a year. Men have to do a much better sell job or have a good ability to seperate the weak ones from the herd.

On top of that, it's a matter of penetrating versus being penetrated. It is much more glorious to have invaded six countries and expanded your empire then it is to have been overrun six times.

See above question. Other than that I would tend to agree that this is indeed the general perception and indeed a double standard. I personally don't agree with it, but I have often wondered if that makes me 'broken' somehow. Anyways, through time I think the playing field has evened out quite a bit more than most people would realize. Unfortunately, instead of women rubbing off on men to 'do the right thing' and be less slutty, it seems men rubbed off on women making them more willing to take a 'well men can be dogs why can't I' mentality. Whether you hike your leg on the fire hydrant, or squat next to the nearest tree, a dog is a dog in my book.

Because men don't like being beat by women at anything, especially at sex.

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4) Why is it that putting the seat and lid down on the toilet is so friggin impossible? All I'm asking is that you leave it as you found it. I gave up on asking you to actually aim for the bowl, but please, put the seat and lid down!

Here we go. You want fair? You only have to put the seat down to go. So I should only have to pick the seat up to go. Problem solved.

Oh, yeah, and forget the seat cover. It was needed back when water was harder to get, and to save it, you had to leave the #1 in there for a few times before flushing. That situation doesn't exist anymore. You flush each time and have clean water and no smell. You want a pretty little toilet seat cover to match all of your other quaint little bathroom decorations? Put it on backwards and leave the seat up. It will be more comfortable to lean against that way anyway.

I don't have a problem with this so I tend to agree. If you want me to make an argument then I would argue that it shouldn't be that hard to look before you sit. I look before I sit on any seat, toilet or not.

I did a post on this very subject a long time ago. Rather than answer the whole thing again I will just point you here to read it. My opinion on the matter has not changed one bit since then. In fact, in your question you kind of make one of my points for me. As you said
"All I'm asking is that you leave it as you found it."

Good for the goose, good for the gander. By that logic shouldn't YOU be doing the same thing? Shouldn't YOU be leaving it in an upright position?

If anything I feel even more strongly about it. For the record, I still DO put the seat down but only for reasons of 'if it is THAT big a hassle to you, and no skin off my nose to do so' I might as well do so. That said, I still won't pretend to understand it. If you have ever sat your ass in a toilet once it was a mistake. If however, you have done so more than once, I won't say you are an idiot but I WILL say you DEFINITELY had a moment of stupidity. End of story.

Because it a phallic symbol of our virility. We leave it up as a visual reminder that we are always ready for sex.

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5) Why are fart jokes so predominant in male humor? Is it partly wanting to remain 12 years old? Do you ~have~ to pass it on to your kids?

I could answer this flippantly, but I won't. I was raised in a more uptight atmosphere where it wasn't real funny, etc. It lightened up a little as we were older, but still. I married (my second time) into a family that's laid back about everything, and it's no big deal. Farts are funny. People have too much shit to deal with today to be worried about something minor like that. And not dogging you, but you were probably raised in a situation where "girls don't fart". My ex wife was raised like that. The first time she farted with me around, she busted out with tears when I threatened to go call my brother to congratulate her for being human. Bodily functions are just that, bodily functions. We can choose to ignore them, make light of them, or vainly attempt to suppress them completely as if they didn't exist. Making too big an issue out of things that are natural and happen tends to screw up kids heads more than anything, and cause permanent neurosis'.

Once again, I'm not real big on this either. Except that farts make funny sounds, but they tend to have a bad smell and I am not into that.

Have you ever fallen for a joke? No matter how bad, inappropriate, or even dangerous the joke may have been what is the VERY first thing you do? You go and pull that joke on someone else of course so you won't be the only victim. As for the 'passing it on to your kids' part,,,,,pun intended? If not it very well should have been.

Because a steady diet of boob and penis jokes gets old, even for us. As to 'must we pass it on to our kids.' Yes.

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6) He rarely asks me to come down to his house. If I don't come down, though, he complains and gets all put out. If he wants me around, why doesn't he just ask?

You must be looking for that written invitation. You're his girlfriend, not a boss, coworker, or male friend. The girlfriend gets the open door policy. Some male friends might, too. But definitely you. He has to invite a boss or coworker and probably some of his friends. If you have an open door policy, why should he repetitively invite you? You have a permanent invite. I'd worry more about it if he started making you call before you came over or only invited you when he wanted you there. Right now, other than being efficient and not wasting time on a lot of bullshit, he's also subconsciously saying that you can come over any time without notice, and he's not worried about it because he has nothing to hide. That's his hidden message, and he probably gets annoyed because your aren't reading the message.

Guys get tired of doing all the pursuing. If you've been invited to the house more than once, then there is probably a standing invitation until indicated otherwise.

Good question. The cynic and smart ass in me wants to answer "call it getting in touch with his feminine side'. Another part of me wonders, If he asks you to come down to his house are you going to hear "lets get together and have sex" and then bash him about the head repeatedly with 'all you ever want is sex' comments? In all seriousness, he is probably just second guessing himself at times. Wondering if asking you to come down will be taken the wrong way or perhaps worrying that you will get a 'he never wants to go out and do anything' idea in your head. Sounds like communication would be a good idea here.

Because he's a dick. (see how I manage to get a sexual reference into every answer)

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7) Why does he consider rinsing dishes and leaving them on the counter "cleaning the kitchen"?

Is his normal chore doing the dishes? If not, then he probably a) needs a place to put more dirty dishes, and the sink was full, or b) you've probably griped at one time or another when he put a dish or pan away in the wrong place. You KNOW how you all can be about YOUR kitchens. He's probably trying to help out without risking the Wrath of Misplacement. Catch him on a good day, show him where everything goes in general, and then make sure not to rag when he misplaces something. He probably won't leave them on the counter again.

Because it is. If it is evident that there are chores that need to get done we just go ahead and do them, and if he has to remind you that there are dishes in the sink then he feels like a total jerk. Plus, that's how we wash our hands.

a number of possible answers to this one:

1)It's not?
2)If you are asking him to do so in the middle of a football game that counts as cleaning the kitchen.
3)If he DOES clean the kitchen do you go behind him every single time and 'do it right' in your mind? Be honest. If so and he knows you are never going to be happy with the way he does it anyways, he probably gave up doing it to your standards a long time ago. His fault, or your fault? Who knows, but likely a combination of the two.

4)The same reason you think changing the oil in the car is only necessary AFTER the oil pressure light comes on.

Because, as in sex, we don't know how to properly finish the job we started.

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8) Why is it men get so offended if I insist I can do something myself? Is it that they don't get the idea of a woman that won't break or something?

There are some things that "guys" should do. You may feel free and advanced enough to do them yourself. Doesn't mean we've broken our own stereotypical chains. To paraphrase Heinlein , why be equal when you get all sorts of privileges in NOT being equal? Come on! We're willing to open a door, take out the trash, do the heavy lifting, etc. Why not let us do it? It makes us feel useful. It makes us feel needed. It makes us feel manly. It gives us, in our own minds, a reason for you now to pamper us in different ways. >>Evil Grin<<

If you are trying to prove something, then you're only proving it to yourself, because typically, we're not even listening and we've definitely not caught the subtle hints.

Because you tell us that a hundred times and then we have to come in and clean up the mess, it is much easier just to do it from the beginning. Also, because we get told so often that we don't do anything for you, so when we offer and you turn us down, we feel like we can't win.

I am guilty of this a lot myself. Or at least accused of it at times. Do I think you CAN do it? Of course. However, often I don't think you should HAVE to do it. Can you carry the 40 pound bag of groceries to your car? Of course! Should you HAVE to? The gentleman in my head screams NO so I offer to do so for you and damned the feminist evil glare you give me for doing so. Can you open your own car door? Of course, but again the gentleman in my head insists I do so for you. Call me old fashioned if you like, I take it as a compliment. People say chivalry is dead. I don't agree but it DOES seem to be dying.

Because we fear that once you do something yourself you will discover you can do something else yourself (i.e., sex)

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