Making the Superbowl Moment Right - A Guide for Fems

Ladies,
You're always asking for a handbook on how to understand and act towards men with their little idiosyncrasies. Well here's a list, pulled straight out of the How to Handle Men handbook. Read it, follow it, and he'll absolutely adore you for the next full year.

1) He knows you're loyal. Be the perfect Superbowl Hostess - tight shorts, football top with halter beneath, or nothing underneath- is acceptable. He WANTS his buddies to be jealous of the fact that his wife can watch the Superbowl with the best of them, and looks f-ing hot doing it. That gives him bonus points with his buddies.

2) If you don’t do it for the rest of the year, keep him, and maybe even his buds, topped off with beer. It doesn’t mean you’re inferior, it doesn’t mean you’re his servant or slave, it merely makes his buddies go green with envy because they NEVER get that at their house.

3) If you haven’t had football knowledge prior to this, and you can’t do a little research on your own, then ASK him to explain the basics to you, because you want to look good for him in front of his friends. If you retain the info, great. It might even make the game more enjoyable for you. If you can’t, then you can’t. DON’T ask him what just happened during the game, or why they threw the yellow flag, or the red flag, or why they kick two different ways. Sit, watch. DON’T ask. If his buddies get stupid and try to test you – turn it back on them and let the flaming begin.

4) Contrary to popular opinion – guys like fems with a little sass. Talk some shit to his friends. Give them better than they give you. Even talk a little trash to your man. Once again, he gets points – cause his fem ain’t stupid like all of their girls.

5) Pick the team you want to root for. It doesn’t matter how – pick the uniform you like best, or the helmet color. If it’s your man’s team, then watch his reactions during the game. When he gets happy about a play, cheer like a madwoman. It it’s not your man’s team, then watch his reactions during the game. When he acts glum about a play, cheer like a madwoman. Done discreetly, his friends can only respect the fact that you know enough to know when to cheer and talk smack. More points

6) Sit on your man’s lap in your skimpy little football attire, and flirt with his buds, distracting them from the game. He knows what you’re doing but you’re with him, and its amusing to him to see his friends reactions. BUT NOTE – other than the lap thing – PDA’s are not allowed unless it’s a 30 second timeout or it’s halftime. Nobody wants to miss the Superbowl Commercials. It’s the only thing that keeps everyone going when the game is sloooooooooooooooooooow.

Okay, you’ve done all of these things. The Party was a success. He gained so many points with his Pals that he’s an absolute god in their eyes. And it was all you. You know it, he knows it. You’ve now got the next 365 days to extract whatever payment you like for all those points YOU gave him. Its gotta be worth at least THREE pairs of expensive shoes – and a nice leather Team jacket to keep you warm for the rest of the cold season.

Enjoy your party. Be Safe. Don’t Drink and Drive. A twenty dollar taxi fare is worth far more than the thousands you’ll pay if you get caught. And it’s worth the rest of your life if you avoid killing someone by doing it.

Happy Superbowl! Go Chicago!

Michael