Dealin wit' it

Oh good Lord be with me, the Beast is stalkin' tonight. There's a huge gaping hole in my gut tonight. Dark. Empty. Reeking of the grave. The putrid essence of decay, of death, prolonged and dyin'. Like an empty grave, waitin' on a soul, it carves me to the marrow, that emptiness, that rotting stench of death warmed over. It cleaves my soul, this loneliness, this empty basket, knowing nothing this side of death can fill the blank void of my soul. It's almost a year since this journey began, and as I come full circle, I find that nothing, indeed, has changed, or been solved. There is a piece missing in me. My greatest fear is that I'm Harold Lauder, the Prince of Darkness, temporarily absolved but never forgiven, an example for the Walkin'Dude. I knew in my heart that tonight, the epiphany, the answer to all questions, but when all of the questions have been asked, I'm still alone in my nightmare of empty discontent.There is a hole in me, a flaw, that will never be riven, never be forgiven never be healed. I walk upon this earth, an empty caricature of the foolishness of man. I could never die by my own hand, not ever, ever, again, but in my mind, I wish I could die tonight, to release the endless pain, the sorrow, the emptiness, the loss of any friend that I could ever spill my guts to. You, my loyal readers, will never know whatit is like, not haveng a single person in your entire life that you can spill everything to without fear of reprisal, or shame, or judgment. But that is the fate I find myself bound to. An endless search for someone who will find me attractive for how I am, not who they want me to be. Do you have any clue at all what I have given up, knowing that the things that did the most for me were outside the boundaries, unattainable, and a dangerous pipe dream
of a simple, naive, retard? For that is what I am, when it all comes down to it. A retard. A genetic defect. A smudge upon the cleanliness of a New world. Verily have ye found the stain within ye, and purged it out.God forgiveth sin, but he does not forgive naivite, because, when it comes down to it, God doesn't give a flying shit about a rolling donut for those who don't meet his standards. The meek shall inherit the Earth, but that doesn't apply to those weaklings amoung us who don't deal his word like an ace high flush in a poker game. God could give a shit about those that don't fulfill his holier than thou proverbs.
That leaves the rest of us sucking hind tit on the holy goat. Always the bridesmaid, but never the bride. He is real good in his infinite wisdom. He'll suck the life out of you in your "holy matrimony" but at the same time he'll skew the fukkin deck when it comes to reaching fulfillment elsewhere.
Yeah, The Holy Beast is stalking tonight, selectng his kill, and ripping the life and hope out of those who have nowwhere else to turn.
Sweet dreams, to those of you who don't make the fekken cut. Your sacrifice, your sorrow, is but the foundation for the rest of the world's new hope.

Mike